Wow...

this really makes you stop, think and be so very grateful for every single thing in your life....

via

One Year Ago Today...

I sat in the Doctors office so young and naive about what was coming next. One year ago today my world and the world of my loved ones was rocked. One year ago today I was diagnosed with cancer.

I cant even believe it already been a year. I feel so blessed to be where I am today. Healthy and so happy! That day and the days following were very dark and scary for me. Its amazing how a few words can change your life.  This year has taught me so much about life, people & most importantly my faith.

I decided to put a list together of the things Ive learned in the past year that I wouldn't have otherwise learned if I wasnt diagnosed with cancer:

* Put your fears in the hands of the Lord. He WILL take care of you.

* My husband is the strongest person I know. How do you even get through a day knowing the one you love the most has such a scary disease. I couldn't even imagine.

*Prayer helps more than I can even begin to express. I spent many nights in my closet (my favorite praying spot) crying out to the Lord for peace and comfort in my journey. I felt so much better after.

* Family is there for you no matter what.

* People don't know how to act around you at first. I felt like screaming its still me. I'm still the same girl. You realize who really cares about you and who just backs away.

* Don't search the internet for information or statistic about your diagnosis.

* I'm not and will not be a statistic.

* Don't ever think things cant get worse because they can. Feel blessed every minute of everyday. Someone is always going through way more than you are.

* Don't ever "think why me?" Instead think "why not me?"

* Do what you want to do. Who cares what others think. Don't let negative people bring you down.

* When it comes to health care you (or in my case my husband) are your biggest advocate. Nathan called and bugged nurses, doctors, case managers or anyone else that mattered in my care if something wasn't being done quick enough. I'm so thankful for him.

There is so much more but these are the things that come to my mind first. As more come to mind I'll jot them down and post them in another post.

The cancer diagnoses brought a year of many doctors appointments and tests but its also brought me so many positive things. Im thankful and blessed that the Lord chose me for this journey. It hasn't been easy but its been so worth it. My faith and love for the Lord and my husband have grown more than I could have ever imagined.

Thank you for still reading my blog and praying for me a whole year later. I cant even begin to express my appreciation for it. Its the reason Im healthy today! The Lord heard all of our prayers :) Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!

Lately...

Wow! Its been a really long time. Ive been really unsure on which direction to head with this blog. We started it when I was first diagnosed with cancer and it was so nice to just keep it updated with what was going on so everyone didn't have to call us to find out the latest info but now that I'm cancer free (still praising the Lord) I haven't had much to write about.


Life is great. My husband is doing amazing. We celebrated our 5 year anniversary in May with a trip to Alaska. It was beautiful and definitely much needed after our crazy past months. My family is also doing great. We just spent the holiday weekend together at a cabin up in the local mountains. I have so much to be thankful for. Sometimes I have to pinch myself because I cant believe this life is mine. It hasn't always been the easiest...but really who's is? Ive had my share of surgeries, hospital stays & cancer but I feel so very blessed and content knowing God is in control. 


Cancer is a funny thing. Even though it is gone it still isn't far from my mind. Of course I still get scared thinking of the "what ifs" but I really try to not think about it and just enjoy each day I'm given. Ive never been so scared in my life as I was going through the initial testing and waiting after I was first diagnosed. It still seems like yesterday and I still remember those feelings all too well especially when I'm back at the Doctors office for a check up. Its like a flood gate opens and all those emotions come right back out.  I had an appointment with my oncologist a couple Fridays ago and it was just a routine check up for him to look at my wrist.  I  didn't have any testing done. He just wanted to make sure the area is still doing & looking good after a few more months of the effects of radiation setting in and to make sure he doesn't feel any lumps. I check my wrist daily and to me it feels clear so I wasn't expecting anything drastic. But Oncology appointments are never fun & still hard for me no matter how uneventful it may seem! Its a reality check that Yes, I had cancer and still need to go through testing and Dr appts to make sure it stays away when in my day to day life I try to push that as far back in my mind as I can.  The Lord has given me great peace about the journey I am on and I'm so very thankful for that. 


The appointment with the oncologist went really good. My mom went with me since Nathan had to work. The Dr. really wants to try to cut back on the testing I receive because I'm so young. For example I have a CT scan of my chest in September but he took away the contrast (iodine) part of it. He just wants a CT. Its quicker which means I'll receive less radiation and if the results come back good from that I'll just have X-Rays of my chest instead of CT  scans because with X-Rays you receive the least amount of radiation out of any of the tests. I'll have an MRI of my wrist in March.  He's following the guidelines set out for testing on sarcomas and I'm really comfortable with it. He's really a nice doctor.


So that's what has been going on over here lately. I do want to update this more often with things I find inspirational or just my thoughts. I really like writing and I know this is a perfect outlet for that :)


Thank you for still praying. I really appreciate it!

Birthday Love for My Momma!

{Happy Birthday Momma}

Today is my sweet momma's birthday! Iv'e always known I was super blessed to have such a great momma but this past year has taught me so much more about her strength, love and passion for our family.  I cant say it enough but I don't know where I'd be without her. She was at every doctor appointment with me especially when Nathan couldn't be there because of his work schedule. Her support helped  so much. We are so so blessed to call her "our" momma and Im blessed to call her my best friend! We love you and hope you have a wonderful day! 

Cutoff....

Definition: 

a point, time, or stage serving as the limit beyond which something is no longer effective, applicable, 

or possible.

and boy does it feel good to have the Vanessas Journey wristband cutoff. 

Saturday was the night we cutoff the wristbands. Amazing is how I felt. My family was gathered holding hands in a circle. My Dad & Mom said a prayer and then one by one my mom cutoff everyones wristbands. Tears were shed, hugs were exchanged and a weight was lifted off of us. Even though the cancer is gone cutting these off was so symbolic. We decided to cut them off instead of just taking them off because if they're cut they cant be put back on...and we never ever want to have to wear them again.   Just another part of this amazing journey.....Please continue to pray that this cancer stays gone. 

My family's cut wristbands...they all cutoff both of the wristbands

but my Mom and I have left our Livestrong wristbands on...

My love and I at my parents house

 Saturday Afternoon

Cutting off the Wristband...

Tomorrow is a big day for me...We are as a family (Nathan, Parents & Brothers) along with 2 close friends...cutting of the Vanessa's Journey wristband (you can read about them here). When I was first diagnosed friends of ours had them made and family, friends and even people we didn't know personally but knew one of our family members or friends wore them to not only show support for my fight but also to remember to pray for healing. Now that I am cancer free (still cant believe I get to say that...wow so BLESSED) its time to cut them off. We cant wear them forever and there is no better time than now to take them off. I'll probably cry...Im still super emotional when it comes to this stuff. The cancer is gone and now the bracelets will be too. Thank you to everyone who wore one. It meant so much to have the support. Knowing that I wasnt in this fight alone and knowing I was being prayed for was amazing and means more than you'll ever know. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you from the bottom of my heart <3

***I will still wear my livestrong bracelet everyday. I support the people who are in the fight, won their fight or so sadly lost their battle***

checking in

Just wanted to say hi and to let everyone know we're doing great :) I did have a oncology appointment with a new oncologist last Thursday. He's in my provider/insurance group and since everything is great my insurance rather him follow me instead of the doctor at City of Hope. I know I've talked about different insurance issues on here with switching doctors and authorizations and I feel like it makes it seem our insurance is difficult or not good and that just isnt the case at all. We are extremely blessed to have awesome, amazing, wonderful health insurance. I dont take this for granted at all. I am so so so blessed for this. With having 4 surgeries, a 2 night hospital stay, countless tests, over 2 dozen doctors appointments and 37 radiation treatments in the last 9 months we'd be in medical debt forever if it wasn't for our insurance. Hubby works at a hospital and that is who we have our insurance through. I'm very thankful for them and the great coverage they provide for their employees.  Anyway, I saw that doctor and his role right now is basically to order the scans. Im hoping thats all his role will ever be.  So I already have the chest CT scan scheduled for September. I see him in 3 months (June) just so he can take a look at my wrist and then I see the Radiation Oncologist in July so he could also look at my wrist to check for any changes from the radiation. I guess it can take awhile for all the effects of radiation to show. But life is good and I feel so very blessed!

{Last weekend we attended a gala for Nathan work it was fun to dress up...Felt like Prom}

We're taking our travel trailer out camping this weekend. It should be a good time...its just the two of us...well and our dog, Jack. Have a blessed weekend!

Where do I go from here?

Now that my first PET/CT scan post radiation was good what's next?
I start physical therapy for my left wrist/hand tomorrow morning. When I had the surgery to have the tumor removed it was a complete reconstruction of my wrist.  Now that radiation is over Im able to go to therapy to gain full moment of my wrist and fingers. The physical therapy will also help to break up scar tissue that maybe forming due to the radiation especially since I was given the maximum amount.  I guess scar tissue likes to form on the tendons.  So tomorrow I'll know how many times a week and for how long I'll be doing the physical therapy.
As for future scans....
I am not scheduled to have my next scan for 6 months. Too much radiation to the body during the scans as well as the radioactive sugar can be harmful on the body it can even cause a cancer called lymphoma....No thank you! So since my last scan was good we're waiting 6 months and not the original plan of every 3 months like we had thought.
Medi-Port Scar
This is really frustrating for me. I have an inch long scar on my upper left chest where my mediport was placed. The scar now has a keloid over it which makes it look really gross and its painful and really itchy. I talked to my primary care doctor about it yesterday and he said to give it 6 more months to heal and if it still looks like that to come in and he'll give it cortisone shots and if that doesn't work he'll refer me to a plastic surgeon to get  it taken care of. Don't get me wrong Im so thankful I didn't have to have chemo after all, and Id take this scar for no reason over having chemo but it still is frustrating to have this scar especially with the keloid that will be so visible with tanks tops, bathing suits and even some regular shirts. I guess its part of my battle wounds! haha!

I think thats it for now but since a post with no pictures is super boring here is a picture of Nathan & I Saturday before the Ducks vs Kings at Staples Center (thats where the Kings play).  We wore our Ducks gear proud there and even beat them in Overtime :)

twenty.eight.

My sweet sweet hubby 

turns 28 today!!!!

Nathan is the most caring, compassionate and hardworking husband I know.  I hope he has a wonderful day because he most definitely deserves it.  He is my biggest supporter....I don't know where I'd be right now without him. God blessed me with an amazing man and Im so blessed to call him my husband. I love you so much baby! Have an amazing day!!!

One Week Later....

and I still cant believe it. Im still in awe of the Lords grace and the perfect scan results. It feels so good to not worry every second about the results. Its nice to be able to sleep a little better at night :) Im so excited about the Lords plan for my life and for that of Nathan & I.  I am so blessed!

I Cant Believe its Been 5 years....

It has been five years today since my Uncle Chris passed away in a car accident at the age of 47. Im happy to know he's with Jesus in heaven forever.

I think back to that morning five years ago....I was sitting in class and had a million missed calls from my Dad. I excused myself from class because I knew something was for sure wrong...I called him back and that's when I found out. I was over 1700 miles away  at school and all I wanted to do was be with my family. Luckily, Nathan & I were flying home that afternoon for spring break. But I remember the sadness I felt not only my own feelings but especially those of my Aunt Marla and the rest of my family. He passed away around the same time Nathan and I got married & I was so looking forward to the relationship they would have because they both loved to hunt and are such outdoorsman type guys! The one time they met that was all they talked about. We all couldnt wait until we moved back to California. When my Uncle Jonathan passed away a week and a half ago it brought me back to this day. There is so much sadness and heartache when you lose a family member who means so much to everyone.  But I know they are in a way better place than we are!  
My prayers and thoughts are with my Aunt and the rest of our family today!

I love you Uncle Chris!

Few More Beach Pictures

I am so very blessed...

There will be more to come from this cancer free girl soon :)...

but until then...

Here are more pictures from the beach....

Thanks be to God!

I'm cancer free!!! I can't even begin to express how happy I am! Thank you so much for all the prayers! The good Lord was listening to us! I'll post more soon! I'm on my blackberry, so its not the easiest to type! We're off to lunch with my Mom, brother and grandma!

The Words I Would Say....

Be strong in the LORD and,
Never give up hope.
You're gonna do great things,
I already know.
God's got His hand on you so, Don't live life in fear.
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here.
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say 

~Sidewalk Prophets

Nathan & I

We got to spend some time at the beach today. 

It was beautiful & peaceful.

I have some other really pretty pictures I'll post soon 

& 

hopefully, God-Willing good news also!

Thanks for the prayers!

Speaking to my Heart

I think its amazing how God speaks to us in so many different ways.  I was going through our cards from people (Im crazy and keep every card someone gives us...birthday, anniversary etc...) to find the Christmas card my Uncle Jonathan sent this past Christmas because he wrote something really funny to us which was so typical of his personality...So Im going through the cards with so much on my mind and going crazy thinking about the results of my PET scan and the uncertainty it holds...and I come across a birthday card from my husband a few years back and this verse was inside.  It reminded me to not worry and give all my fears to the Lord because he is taking care of me. Thank you Lord for the love and grace you have for me!

Rest in Peace Uncle Jonathan...

On Sunday we received a call nobody wants to get. My Uncle Jonathan had passed away.  Pure sadness filled our hearts. He was so young. So caring. Such an incredible fighter.  A great inspiration.  He fought kidney failure for 18 years. He had multiple kidney transplants and each one would only last for a year or so and then it was back to dialysis. Most people are lucky if they last 5 years on dialysis. It was a miracle and a total act of Gods grace that he lasted 18 years.  The Lord finally came calling for him Sunday as he walked to the mailbox to get his mail. His body had enough and now he is resting & healed in the Lords Kingdom :) We will miss him and I feel so very sorry for my Capa & Nana (his parents), his wife and his 2 sons. Please keep them in your prayers. This week has been pretty tough!

My Dad & his siblings...Jonathan is on the far right.

Rest in Peace....

Just Waiting for the Results....

I had the scan done yesterday and it wasn't too bad...just long. I was happy I didn't have to drink the radioactive stuff they just injected it through the IV. Then I had to wait an hour so it had time to circulate through my body. So I just sat back and relaxed and prayed the whole time.  Now I just wait until Thursday for the results and waiting is so hard! Pray, Pray, Pray!!!

This is what a PET Scan machine looks like.

Not so fun for someone who is super claustrophobic like me especially when they strapped

down my arms and cover me with a blanket. ahhhh!!!

PET/CT Scan

Its 12:36am and of course Im still wide awake. I have to leave my house by 7 tomorrow for my scan. Im nervous. I hate it. Even though I have had this test done before I was still reading over my instructions. No food 6 hours before..no exercise 24 hours before...blah, blah, blah...and then it said please allow 2.5 hours for the test. Really? I knew it was long but I forgot it was that long. So that should be really fun tomorrow....I cant wait...hahaha! Im going by myself...There isn't any use of having someone come with me...They're not allowed in the back with me because of the radioactive stuff I have to drink so there is no point in making someone wait for that long with me.  Please pray for clean scan results but also peace, understanding, and comfort for me in whatever God has planned for my results even if its not the results I want.  Thank you so much.

My Dad...

...is the best Dad in the world. He's amazing and even though I'm 27, I'm still a total Daddy's Girl and wouldn't have it any other way! With all we've been through the past 9 months he's been so strong and such a support and go to person for both Nathan & I! Always there to listen if we need to talk or give support and comforting words when we just want to listen. I love how close him and Nathan are! They are so similar and spend most of their time together joking and laughing. It makes my heart happy to see their relationship. My dad would do anything for us.  We're really blessed to call him dad....

This story is silly and really not that big of a deal but this is just an example of how awesome he is:

Today I was at my parents (mom picked me up so I had no car) and I ripped one of my contacts. So I had to take them both out...I didn't have extra contacts on me and didn't have my glasses either. Within minutes I was feeling pretty nauseous because I'm super blind and everything was blurry. We live about 15 minutes from my parents house and after my dad drove 2 hours each way to San Diego for work and had an extremely long day he still took me home real quick to get new contacts without any hesitation. It saved my night. Then we got back and he helped B (my brother) load up his dirt bike, picked up J (other brother) dogs doo-doo and he BBQ dinner for the family. So Nathan got to my parents home from work with a delicious hot dinner waiting.

He even found time to ride his new toy...and of course I had to take pictures :)

I Love you Daddy!

One Week

until I find out if the cancer is gone! My PET/CT scan is Monday and then I'll get the results at the doctors on Thursday. To be honest Im dreading both. The best thing I can compare it to is being somewhere on vacation and not wanting the days to go by because then its back to reality. Thats what it feels like. So as I type this Im excited I still have 3 whole days before I go in for my test. Its been so nice to have these past 2 months off from all things cancer related.  I've tried not to think about it often...and just enjoy my days. Its not anything I could change...it's just been a waiting game.  A verse that has really helped with this is:
Matthew 6:34
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
So Im just taking each day as it is and enjoying time with my hubby and family!

While at Target with Nathan I saw this and thought

How true is this...I love it!

The Day I was Diagnosed with Cancer....

**This is long and I don't really expect anyone to read the whole post...I needed to put this in writing. I did this to add my journey journal**
** There is also a kind of graphic picture in this post...Just warning you :)

August 23 2010 will be a day I'll never forget......

I had surgery to take out what they thought was a cyst from my wrist on August 17.  Surgery for me went ok. I felt pretty good afterwards. But what I didn't know is what the doctor took out of my wrist was not normal...he told Nathan and my family while I was in recovery that it for sure wasn't a cyst but some sort of tumor. He showed them a picture of the tumor and one of them asked if it could be cancer. He said he didn't know. Nathan and my family kept all this from me because I just had my second surgery in a month and they didn't want to worry me.  Id already been going through enough with the ectopic pregnancy surgery I had just a month prior and the emotional sadness from the loss. So I didn't know anything. I knew they sent it off for pathology but I thought it was scar tissue from a previous cut.  This picture was taken the day I had my surgery. I look back at how naive I truly was to the situation.

Monday the 23rd of August came and it was time to go back to the doctors to have my stitches taken out. I remember laying in bed the night before and the thought crossed my mind..."what if it's cancer?"...I had known that they called it a tumor but that was it.  The thought scared me to the core so I quickly thought of something else.  The morning came Nathan helped me get ready and drove us since my whole arm was wrapped up.  We got into the room and Nathan immediately asked for the pathology results. The nurse unwrapped my arm and said she'd go check.  I sent my mom this picture of my wrist while we were waiting so she could see the damage. 

My doctor was Asian and did not speak the best English at all so he came and said to me "you're the famous one" I guess he had shown the tumor pictures to his colleagues and they all were so intrigued because they'd never seen anything like it.

He then left to call pathology because they still hadn't gotten the results back. He came back a few minutes later and I'll never forget the words that came next...he said "bad news...its cancer".  My body immediately got really hot...I felt like I was going to pass out. I looked back at Nathan and he was as white as a ghost. All I could say back to the doctor was "Ok". Nathan asked "what kind?" he said synovial sarcoma.  The doctor said he didn't know anything about it and gave us the number to an orthopedic oncologist at USC. I was numb...I couldn't talk, cry or  move.  All I wanted was to get out of that building so I could cry but I still had to get my 9 stitches taken out. The nurse came in to take them out...I think she was really nervous, she forgot to take out 3 of them (which we didn't realize until later) because she'd known what the doctor just told me. She said, "I'm sorry..I know that's not what you wanted to hear." I said "Ok" again. That's all I could muster up.  She finished taking them out...then she told me I'd have to get a cast put on because my wrist was completely restructured and I needed to protect my tendons.  So off we went to the cast room. It wasn't an easy walk...my legs felt so weak. I was still trying to hold it together.  I sat down the girl started to wrap my wrist.  Nathan called my Dad to see if he could meet us somewhere because we had to talk to him.  This was around noon and there was no way we could wait until my parents got off work. We didn't want to tell my mom anything because we didn't want her driving if she thought something was wrong.  Well she called my dad because she hadn't heard back from me. I was supposed to call her after my appointment.  He told her that he was meeting us and she told him she's be coming too. I think they both knew. Anyway back to the getting my cast put on. It was beige and I asked the girl if I could get any other color because I had to have this cast for 2 weeks and beige would get dirty so fast. She said "That's all we have...having a beige cast isn't that bad, things could be worse".  I know she didn't know that I was just told I have cancer 5 minutes ago but it felt like a punch in the stomach when she said that. All I said back was "Yeah, I know". (Nathan bought me red medical sports tape that night and wrapped it for me...such a sweetie) 

                                    

Finally we were able to leave but first we had to stop by the front desk to schedule a follow up appointment. Seriously I just wanted out of there. As soon as we got out of the building my eyes started to water and by the time we got to the car I was bawling. It felt very surreal. Like a horrible, horrible dream. We told my parents to meet us at a fast food parking lot and during the drive there God spoke to my heart and made his plan so clear to me. Our angel baby saved my life. He/She's time here on earth was so short and I'd been asking the Lord "why" and there was my answer right in front of me now. It was very comforting. He is so faithful! We pulled up to the parking lot and my parents were already there. They had worried looks on their faces. Once we parked they came over to my side of the car and asked "What's wrong? What is it?" All I could do was cry. I couldn't bring myself to say those words. My mom asked again "Ness, what is it?".  I said "Its cancer" and then we all started to cry.  We were devastated. Nathan was being so strong trying to figure out insurance issues and scheduling my appointment at USC and we were crying. Not saying a word...just hugging and crying.  I eventually told them that our baby saved my life. I know it. At this point I didn't know if the cancer had metastasized or not but I did know that God was working in my life through the recent troubles and his plan was becoming so clear.  While still in the parking lot I asked my mom to call our church to have our Pastor come pray with us. I needed the guidance,words and prayers of our Pastor. 

We finally left the parking lot and went to my Nana & Capas house. Capa was at work but Nana was there and the minute we walked through the door she knew something was terribly wrong. We told her and she was so sad and had such a hard time with it. It was so so so hard to see the pain and worry my diagnosis was causing on my loved ones because of this ugly disease called cancer and I knew it wasn't going to be or get any easier because we hadn't even told my brothers yet. We left Nana's and headed to my parents house. We told my brother, B, to meet at my parents and since he works with my Capa (Grandpa) they both came. When they got there we just hugged and cried. My other brother, J, was at school and when he got home I met him outside to tell him. We sat outside and talked and cried. I told them all not to worry that I was going to beat this and fight like they've never seen me fight before. I know that strength came from the Lord because I myself was terrified.  Pastor Mike (same one who married us) came over and prayed with us. He brought a prayer quilt and healing oil to bless me. I felt comforted.

After he left my mom got on the computer to send out a prayer request to everyone she knew. We had kept my ectopic pregnancy surgery secret between our immediate family members.  It was personal. But this wasn't going to be a secret we needed all the prayers we could get. This was going to be a battle and we needed prayer warriors.  My Aunt, Uncle & Cousin came over to just be there for us. We all went to dinner. We needed out of the house. I hadn't eaten anything all day and I still couldn't eat. I felt so nauseous. We spent the night at my parents but I don't think we slept a wink. So many thoughts were running through my head. Has it spread? How long have I had this? Will it kill me? Will I have chemo, radiation? etc.... 

That was one of the roughest days of my life. It was a truly trying day but with the support of Nathan, my family and most of all the Lord I got through that day and the 190 days since I was diagnosed with cancer. God is faithful and I know he's taking care of me. 

Jeremiah 29:11 - 

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, ' plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' 

**If you've made it all the way to the end thank you so much for caring enough about my story to read this long post :)**

2 weeks....

until I find out if the cancer is gone or not. Talk about being super anxious!!! I don't even know what to think. Since my journey started almost 9 months ago I've never known what to think. I have put all my concerns, care and trust in the Lord and have let him guide me through.  Somedays I think and feel this journey has been going on forever, other days it seems like just yesterday and somedays it feels like a complete dream.  I've learned so many different things but the biggest is just putting my complete trust in the Lord. Giving it all to him because he's the only one who knows the plan for my life, the reason I had the ectopic pregnancy and just one month later diagnosed with cancer. He knows why...I don't, Nathan doesnt, but HE does. He's working in me everyday. So as I wait these two weeks...I will continue to pray and he will continue take care of me :)

Update....

Beautiful Sunset in Tennessee

We're back from Nashville and had a wonderful time.  Weddings are always so much fun because they bring so many people together that we don't see often. It was nice to take a break away and just relax and spend seven days straight with my hubby (he works a lot).

Nathan & I with the bride (his sister) and groom!

I finally scheduled my PET/CT scan..I guess I had been procrastinating because I'm scared. But it is scheduled for March 7 at 8:30am and I will get my results at my doctors appointment on March 10 at 10:45 am.  Please keep me in your prayers!

I am working on a post about the day I found out about the cancer and the few days following. This is my journal and as not fun and sad as those days were I want to remember the details...its part of my story and part of my journey.

Nashville

We're in Nashville for Nathans sisters wedding. We've been here for almost a week. That is why I have updated the blog...Its been really nice to get away and enjoy each other. This is the first real vacation we've taken since this all started.  Only about 2 weeks until my PET Scan. Please keep praying!

Sarcoma Awareness

...is something I want to be a part of but Im just not ready.  Im not ready to know the stats, to see other patients, to be a part of something I truly know nothing about.  Since I was diagnosed on August 23,  I have never once googled or looked up synovial sarcoma, sarcoma, cancer, chemotherapy, radiation or anything that has to do with my diagnosis. I didn't want to know stats, I didn't want to hear about someone else's story, I didn't want to hear how hard or not hard treatment was going to be. I wanted to take my journey as my own with out any "internet influence". The things I do know about my diagnosis and all the went/goes with it is from my doctors and thats it. The internet can be scary and I didn't want that. I wanted to be naive about the situation I was in and just hope and pray for the best and that is what I've done. Eventually I want to be part of a movement to raise awareness of Sarcomas because its ugly, scary and not fun.

One day I'll be ready.....

Sad Realization....

I try to always be positive but this is something that truly bothers me and makes me sad.

For those of you that don't know my husband, Nathan, is a nurse. I am a very proud wife that my husband has such a selfless profession. Anyway because of this he has had many patients whose families have donated organs once they know there is no longer hope for a meaningful life or survival. This is something I feel very strongly about and the other day Nathan & I talked about it because he wanted to make sure there isn't a question or hesitation if we're ever faced with this decision. I told him I want my organs to be donated and then we both got quiet and I told him, "they probably don't want or will not be able to use my organs".  It made me very, very sad and something I hadn't even thought about until a few days ago. Stupid cancer!!!! I did some research about it today and depending on each cancer & case certain body parts (skin, eyes, etc)  can still be donated but organs aren't likely. I know that once my spirit goes to heaven there is nothing left but a body and I want it to help others in anyway it can.   

They said to still continue to check donor & let the Doctors make the decisions

So I will always be a donor and very proud of it :)

Sorry for the sad post but this is my journal of my journey and this is part of it, its what Im feeling and thinking...I'll be back again soon with something more uplifting :)

Just be Grateful....

We have this inside joke with my Nana, Capa and Aunt about "Just being grateful"...in every complaint we found something to be thankful for.... Example: my aunt says she hate putting away dishes from the dishwasher and we told her just be grateful you have dishes to put away...or I was telling them I hate folding laundry and they said be just be grateful you have laundry to fold...and so on...it was really funny and we teased about it and laughed until our tummy's hurt and we were crying. Even though we were teasing and it was fun we know how blessed we are, grateful we need to be & how we need to see the positive in everything even something as simple as laundry. So here's a list of a few random things Im thankful for: *house to clean *car to put gas in *food to cook *a dog to walk *laundry to wash *family to visit *

Sometimes....

I miss my long hair....

But its just hair and it'll grow long again soon enough =)

Perfect Picture Frame...

So if you've been following my journey you know my favorite Bible verse is Jeremiah 29:11. It has helped me so much from the very beginning. It reassures me of God's plan for my future! Well for Christmas my parents got me the perfect picture frame!!!! I love it!

This Little Piece of Paper....

was one of the hardest thing I've ever earned.   I worked hard and spent many hours earning my college degree but earning this was much more difficult.  Im very blessed that the radiation was focused on my wrist so it only made me nauseous during the beginning & not as tired as most radiation patients though it still wasn't easy.  It made my day and made me cry when I got this in the mail...it is very nice of the office to do this for their patients. It really meant a lot to me. Its the smallest things that count the most :)

I blurred out some of the private info so thats why it might look off centered in places :)

Radiation Recap:
41 visits to the radiation office
I drove over 2100 miles, which means over 61 hours in the car
I spent over 21 hours in the radiation office

& a little recap from when this whole cancer journey started back in August....so I'll remember down the road when I make this blog (my journal) into a book

I've had over 15 Dr. Visits with 8 different Doctors
1 Full Body PET/CT Scan
2 MRI's
2 CT Scans
1 Ultrasound
& 3 Surgeries.....

Whew!!!! It makes me tired just trying to think back on everything. Even though its been a month since my radiation ended it feels like so long ago somedays and just like yesterday others....

The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge. He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. Psalm 18:2

Christmas....

Its now January 7th and Im finally writing about Christmas. Better late than never, right? :) We spent Christmas Eve with my Mom's side of the family, Christmas day at my parents, and the day after Christmas with my Dad's family! Nathan worked both Christmas Day and the day after :(  For those of you that don't know...he's a nurse at a hospital and although I wish they could, they cant just close the doors because its Christmas like other places can. I admire him so much for his profession. Its such a self-less job and going into nursing you know you wont get to spend holidays with your family because you will be taking care of somebody else's. Its a hard thing to give up and especially after the year we've had it would have been nice if he had a "normal" job with "normal" hours (he does 12 hour shifts...7am- 7:30pm) so we could have spent the day together. But we're just thankful he has a job and that he's healthy enough to work and not be on the flip side of things being a patient in the hospital who didn't get to go home at all that night. We are blessed!

Christmas Eve

My aunts, mom and I

 Loving on my grandma

 My little cousin...

isn't he the cutest thing you've ever seen?

 Christmas Day

Finally spending time with my hubby 

after his long day of work

 Day after Christmas

Beautiful Cousin and Nana

 The whole gang...

minus Nathan and my little brother J  who was also working!

We had a great Christmas spent with our loved ones....